Today is a very sad day because I realized that as a country we’re still where we were decades ago. As a generation of 20 something’s, as 90’s babies we’re still identical to our parents, our surroundings and our environment are the only things that have changed.

I don’t mean to sound cryptic in order to have you read the blog post until the end and it’s definitely not my intention to use a ‘catchy’ title to get you to read the blog post either. I mean it. Ladies, Kenyan ladies beware, be very wary of the unchanged men around us. And men please be very honest and truthful to yourselves and to the ladies you choose to get ‘romantically’ involved with. I use the word romantic because I feel there is a difference between having a sexual relationship with someone and having a wholesome relationship i.e. both sexual and emotional. I want to make it very clear that I am addressing the latter. I also want to make it crystal clear that I am in no way bashing the male sex. I cannot do that because I respect the men in my life too much and because there is good and bad in everyone I make it a point to look at the individual. I love and respect both men and women.

Now that the disclaimer is over and done with, let’s get into this. If you’ve made it this far; thank you. If you haven’t thank you too. I had a conversation that made me realize that expectations of the role of women in marriage and in the household are unchanged. People born in the 90’s expect their future wives to do all the cleaning, cooking and house-making while bearing children and building successful careers. I have absolutely no problem with this because we all have expectations from our future spouses. Figuring out these expectations and making them known during courtship/dating is super important. This way you can both decide whether you can be successful in marriage. What I have an issue with is the idea that gender equality and the empowerment of women has somehow crushed this.

Firstly I think it’s important for both men and women to realize that the expectations/roles of any sex in the household or in marriage has nothing to do with gender equality or women empowerment. Your  expectation of your spouse and the role you would want her to play as your wife, life partner and mother to your children is in no way dictated by gender equality or the empowerment. When it gets down to business it is about effective communication, hard work, dedication, passion, commitment and a “diehard can-do, will-not stop” attitude. So if you think you’ve found your future spouse let her know what your expectations are, what role you need her to play in your marriage in your household, in your family. Be honest and S-P-E-L-L it all out. I mean spell everything out and figure out whether you can live with each other’s terms and conditions and bottom lines. If you expect her to wash your underwear then for goodness sake TELL HER don’t walk down the aisle then say oh she won’t do it because she’s empowered and is fighting for equality in her workplace. If you expect a nice home cooked meal 7 days a week then TELL HER, if you expect her to stay home and not work TELL HER, if you want to be in a marriage where you don’t do any of the cooking, cleaning or household related chores TELL HER. If you want to be in a marriage with multiple wives TELL HER!!! OWN YOUR EXPECTATIONS!!!

Don’t, PLEASE DO NOT let your partner’s career or education background be a determining factor. Honestly speaking that’s the easy way out. Yes I said it!!! It’s essentially using gender equality and the empowerment of women as scapegoat. There is nothing wrong with having expectations, there is nothing wrong with creating the role of your future spouse in your marriage and home. It’s your life and you should dictate your life and choices. In the same way ladies say “I want a tall, dark, handsome, muscular, rich, successful, sporty etc…guy”, men can and should be able to say “I want a lady who cooks, cleans, stays at home raising our children and is devoted to me and our family”. Men all I ask is that you OWN YOUR TRUTH. Don’t preach about traditional roles of women, socialization and the perils of educating and empowering women.

If you find that the person you’re with is not willing to conform to your expectations the role you’ve created, I think it’s best to move along to somebody who will. Don’t use gender equality, the empowerment of women as the reason as to why they’re not willing to conform. I personally know many educated women who want to cook and clean for their future spouse and children.

For any guy (Kenyan or not) reading this post I really hope that I’ve been able to get through to you in a clear non offensive manner. My desire is for everyone to be in a loving, successful marriage. I want us all to be able to create loving, caring, successful families. Families that our children will enjoy and be proud of enough to recreate.